Have you ever wondered what kind of effect you may have had on someone? Like that time in high school when you stood next to your friend and didn't say a word while they made fun of someone. Or that time when you saw someone crying and maybe you stopped to ask if they were ok...or maybe you didn't. High School can be a place of fun, friends, and great memories for many. For others it can be a nightmare, a place with dark shadows, a lonely building full of demons.
You may never know the effect you have had on an individuals life. Maybe you were the reason they cried every day in their room when they got home or possibly you were the reason they made it through the day. I personally never thought about how my actions may have affected someones day or even life until I found face book. In the past five years I have had two people contact me and thank me for treating them with kindness and making them feel like they were someone when nobody else did. I can't begin to tell you the pain I feel when I think of how these people may have suffered or what exactly they went though but I am so thankful that my parents always encouraged me to be the social butterfly I was and still am. I never thought I was doing anyone a favor by pretending to be nice or anything like that. I was always just that way with everyone. I was never part of a click even though I was part of many teams. I was never friends with the same people all through school, I kept old ones and made new ones as I grew up. I wasn't embarrassed to talk in public with kid who was "not cool" or take them with me every day to lunch...Sure I could have had the captain for the football team in my car but I choose the captain of the chess team. I choose to be around people with good sense, good energy, and who treated me with me kindness. I could have cared less if it made people stare or gossip...so?
Anyway, I just feel very humbled inside that because I choose to be me, I had a positive effect on some people who needed it. It means a lot to me that after 10 years they were brave enough to tell me this.
And while I am humbled to know that I played a part in making some people have good memories or an easier time in school, it makes me wonder if I could have made someones day or time at school a nightmare.
Actions have ever lasting effects. I think Newton said it best...
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Stay at Home Mom = Projects
You know what having another girl means??? (Besides all of us being on the same cycle...) Getting to reuse all of Mayley's furniture, bedding, and clothing! Wahoo! And while I am excited that we are saving now, I know that two girl means shelling out more cash in the future. Oh yes its true, girls = formal dresses, accessories, cool clothes, make up, WEDDINGS ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Good luck darling husband...oh yes and shot gun ;)
Anyway, We finally got the new babies nursery put together which meant we had to get rid of our office. We also finished Mayley's new "big girl" room. So here are some pics of her cute new room...I will post nursery pics when it is completely finished.
Aside bed rooming, I have been making bows as well just for fun :) I'm a regular Martha around here lately. Okay maybe not as good as her but at least I'm cooler! LOL
Anyway, We finally got the new babies nursery put together which meant we had to get rid of our office. We also finished Mayley's new "big girl" room. So here are some pics of her cute new room...I will post nursery pics when it is completely finished.
Aside bed rooming, I have been making bows as well just for fun :) I'm a regular Martha around here lately. Okay maybe not as good as her but at least I'm cooler! LOL
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I Told You I would Pass!!
Just got back from the Ultra Sound appointment and all was well! My AF was a little low but that was because of the medicine. They switched me to a lower dose and basically told me to take it easy and I was off of bed rest! Wahoo!!!! Baby is measuring 1.9 lbs. and almost 13in. I feel so grateful to all those who sent us positive energy and prayers. Here is a little peak at our beautiful baby! She's mighty flexible..that's her leg not her arm! LOL
The Game of Life
I honestly feel like when life is going smoothly and things seem to be in place and its almost that "to good to be true" feeling, that an ominous cloud begins to lurk. What I mean is, when things are going well life has a funny way of throwing you a curve ball to offset the balance in your universe and stir things up. Life is a test people say. I agree-I believe. Those who can handle these tests become stronger, more confident, and basically are winning a this game of life.
My last test involved a miscarriage. I grieved, I grew strength, I conquered. I was awarded with another blessing that is currently growing inside me.
I figured I had some time before the next test was given to me. But the game of life is unpredictable and a test can be given at any time. So here is my test:
~I have been handed the card of battling pre-term labor starting at 24 weeks. Trough this battle I must fight bed rest, keeping myself healthy for the baby, feelings of guilt for neglecting my daughter who cries at my door for attention (probably one of my biggest fights) It breaks my heart, fighting feelings of guilt over my husband playing multiple roles and having to rely on those around me, I must fight the temptation of depression and the urge to give up.
Quite the test I would say but I feel prepared. For every test that I have been given in my life so far, I feel as though I have beat them all. All these previous tests that have pushed me to my limits emotionally and physically and I have defeated them. I will beat this test too. I can fight this for the next three months for the sake of my baby, myself, and my family who need me as much as I need them.
So for those who read this, I hope you find it within yourself to feel empowered with strength and determination when life throws you a test. Just know its for a reason, one that will help define you. Don't give up...even if you feel like you have lost, there will always be a reason to win.
My last test involved a miscarriage. I grieved, I grew strength, I conquered. I was awarded with another blessing that is currently growing inside me.
I figured I had some time before the next test was given to me. But the game of life is unpredictable and a test can be given at any time. So here is my test:
~I have been handed the card of battling pre-term labor starting at 24 weeks. Trough this battle I must fight bed rest, keeping myself healthy for the baby, feelings of guilt for neglecting my daughter who cries at my door for attention (probably one of my biggest fights) It breaks my heart, fighting feelings of guilt over my husband playing multiple roles and having to rely on those around me, I must fight the temptation of depression and the urge to give up.
Quite the test I would say but I feel prepared. For every test that I have been given in my life so far, I feel as though I have beat them all. All these previous tests that have pushed me to my limits emotionally and physically and I have defeated them. I will beat this test too. I can fight this for the next three months for the sake of my baby, myself, and my family who need me as much as I need them.
So for those who read this, I hope you find it within yourself to feel empowered with strength and determination when life throws you a test. Just know its for a reason, one that will help define you. Don't give up...even if you feel like you have lost, there will always be a reason to win.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
To Me, From Me With Love
Dear Ashley,
Well you did it! You've finally reached your ultimate goal of attaining your Master degree. I have to tell you I have never been more proud of you than I am at this very moment. But I feel like I need to get something off my shoulders, something you deserve to know.
You have always had big dreams and have always done your best to achieve them. People are always telling you that you are quite the dreamer. I love that about you. You are a such a free spirit; from the day you were born you have been that way. You have always been so caring and you are always putting people ahead of yourself and sometimes its to a fault but you choose to do it anyway. I love that you are a great friend and are always there to listen and give advice. And while I sit here and tell you about all these great things that make you, you are probably the most hard on yourself. It is really time girl that you held your head high and acknowledge the wonderful things you have accomplished and the beautiful person you have become. I want this to be the last time I see you cry, or tell yourself its just not good enough. I never want to see you insult the way you look or wish you were better. I know this is hard to swallow and maybe its hitting you all at one time but I just feel it is time you smile and mean it.
About six years ago you experienced a personal tragedy, one that not too many know about. But ever since that day you were different. That vibrant, free spirited confident girl was hidden in the shadows, crying in a dark corner. I almost felt like the life was sucked right out of you. Your whole outlook changed. You quit cross country your senior year of college. Running was your life. You graduated with a bachelors degree in five years, nailed your first interview and became a great first grade teacher. But that just wasn't good enough to you. You worked two years while getting your masters and then gave life to your beautiful daughter Mayley. Then you experienced those dreaded baby blues. I watched you try to give Brad every reason in the world to see that you were not wonderful but he just never fell for it. You should know he loves you more than anything. You ran 2 marathons, developed amazing friendships, had a beautiful family, started your photography business and in 3 years graduated once more with your masters....but you still felt it was just not good enough.
So its time you listen and listen to me! You have knocked yourself down for six years for something that was not your fault. It is time you put the past behind you. Life goes by way too fast and you need to spend a lot more time loving yourself and loving your life. You have been dealt an amazing hand, take advantage. Ashley I am so very proud of you for everything you have set your mind to and accomplished in your 27 years. You have worked very hard and deserve to feel proud of yourself. From this point on you will suffer no more. The ghosts from your past will not harm you, you will stand in the mirror and see a beautiful woman, a loving daughter, caring sister, trustworthy friend, a fabulous mother, and loving wife, but most importantly you will see you. The you that you have been hiding and protecting. Its okay to let her back out and live her life to the fullest. Your mother once gave you a card on your 21st birthday that said dance like no one is watching...Time to dance!
Ashley, I really do love you and you should feel proud of yourself. I don't care how confident you feel in yourself and how much you want to flaunt it, nobody can take that away from you, its not a crime. You are not a stomping mat, you are a fashion show runway. Congratulations, you're back!
Love,
Yourself
P.S. Thank you, I really needed to hear that from you. I feel a huge weight lifted off of me. The clouds are gone and the tears I shed right now are ones of relief.
Well you did it! You've finally reached your ultimate goal of attaining your Master degree. I have to tell you I have never been more proud of you than I am at this very moment. But I feel like I need to get something off my shoulders, something you deserve to know.
You have always had big dreams and have always done your best to achieve them. People are always telling you that you are quite the dreamer. I love that about you. You are a such a free spirit; from the day you were born you have been that way. You have always been so caring and you are always putting people ahead of yourself and sometimes its to a fault but you choose to do it anyway. I love that you are a great friend and are always there to listen and give advice. And while I sit here and tell you about all these great things that make you, you are probably the most hard on yourself. It is really time girl that you held your head high and acknowledge the wonderful things you have accomplished and the beautiful person you have become. I want this to be the last time I see you cry, or tell yourself its just not good enough. I never want to see you insult the way you look or wish you were better. I know this is hard to swallow and maybe its hitting you all at one time but I just feel it is time you smile and mean it.
About six years ago you experienced a personal tragedy, one that not too many know about. But ever since that day you were different. That vibrant, free spirited confident girl was hidden in the shadows, crying in a dark corner. I almost felt like the life was sucked right out of you. Your whole outlook changed. You quit cross country your senior year of college. Running was your life. You graduated with a bachelors degree in five years, nailed your first interview and became a great first grade teacher. But that just wasn't good enough to you. You worked two years while getting your masters and then gave life to your beautiful daughter Mayley. Then you experienced those dreaded baby blues. I watched you try to give Brad every reason in the world to see that you were not wonderful but he just never fell for it. You should know he loves you more than anything. You ran 2 marathons, developed amazing friendships, had a beautiful family, started your photography business and in 3 years graduated once more with your masters....but you still felt it was just not good enough.
So its time you listen and listen to me! You have knocked yourself down for six years for something that was not your fault. It is time you put the past behind you. Life goes by way too fast and you need to spend a lot more time loving yourself and loving your life. You have been dealt an amazing hand, take advantage. Ashley I am so very proud of you for everything you have set your mind to and accomplished in your 27 years. You have worked very hard and deserve to feel proud of yourself. From this point on you will suffer no more. The ghosts from your past will not harm you, you will stand in the mirror and see a beautiful woman, a loving daughter, caring sister, trustworthy friend, a fabulous mother, and loving wife, but most importantly you will see you. The you that you have been hiding and protecting. Its okay to let her back out and live her life to the fullest. Your mother once gave you a card on your 21st birthday that said dance like no one is watching...Time to dance!
Ashley, I really do love you and you should feel proud of yourself. I don't care how confident you feel in yourself and how much you want to flaunt it, nobody can take that away from you, its not a crime. You are not a stomping mat, you are a fashion show runway. Congratulations, you're back!
Love,
Yourself
P.S. Thank you, I really needed to hear that from you. I feel a huge weight lifted off of me. The clouds are gone and the tears I shed right now are ones of relief.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I Needed that Shower
Sticky with glue, marker smeared fingertips, bits of ribbon and chaos stuck to my clothes. I stood back and smiled. Two months of planning, 3 hours of staging, and 30 minutes left until the guests arrive. I did it! I successfully planned and organized one of my best friends baby shower. It wasn't just any shower, it was epic. There were 50 guests both girls and boys and babies plus family, friends and distant relatives that hadn't been seen in a long time. As tired as I was and hungry, being that I am 12 weeks along, I couldn't help but stand back through the crowd of people that was blurring by me like a ghost in a crowded city, and smile. It was so wonderful to be a huge part of my friends happiness. I have never seen her so happy and overjoyed...well not since right before she got knocked up and we were dancing at a crowded club....LOL Sorry Juiselle but its true :) As 10 PM rolled around and the party simmered down, the gifts were opened, the food eaten and the alcohol running low, I slumped down on the couch and took a huge deep breath, its over! I could not be more happy and honored to have been this beautiful girl's maternity photographer, baby shower thrower, and soon to be newborn photographer. Thanks for the honor, I feel so important :) and special..LOL No I really do though. Anyway, through all this pregnancy, emotional storytelling I am truly happy for this girl and her soon to be baby girl or boy???? I did get a shower by the way.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tears of Joy
I hate to start this off by reliving something painful but it tends to make the story better. As I writer you usually keep that tid bit if info hidden but when I blog I sometimes write exactly what I am thinking.
I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was to announce a new bundle of joy back in March. It was the first time we had officially tried or planned a baby have you. If you scroll down you can read my blog on that so I won't go through it all again but needless to say that baby ended up finding its way back up to the creator. I guess he/she just wasn't ready. I can't say I blame it in this day in age, its a scary world. We were heart broken that I went through week of wondering and worrying and anticipating before we got the news that it wasn't viable (A nice Dr. term you don't want to hear). And after a painful few more weeks I was ready to move on heal.
The healing process has been an interesting one. All around me my friends were announcing their pregnancies with due dates around where mine would have been. On top of that ghosts were coming back from my past willing to haunt me for some reason. It's like that whole getting kicked while your down kind of thing. But honestly I can't dwell too long on this whole woe is me business because I know that there are others who are suffering far worse than I. I say a prayer and face forward and move on with a smile.
It was only our second month after I was cleared to "do it" hahahahah that we successfully created a baby :) I learned in August, right after Mayley's 2nd birthday, that we were expecting baby 2! Boy did I want to tell everyone but for fear of my past experience I held it in tight. The only person who really knew besides Brad and my mom was Gosia. SHe of course was there when I peed on that lovely stick! LOL Now 11 weeks later I can finally say it. I AM PREGNANT! WE ARE DUE MAY 2nd! Yay! Oh did I have tears of joy when I saw a little baby bouncing inside thriving. What a relief and I feel so blessed.
Now here is the fun, magical, strange whatever you want to call it part of the story. So many of you know and more of you have no clue that I have dreams that come true. So much so that I have been keeping a boat load of dream journals since about 2005. Oh yes and I can prove it. Situation #1 I had a dream that a friend of mine got a tattoo and it was a girl who was not the type to do it. We had never even spoken about it. Then all of a sudden she showed up on my door a few days after my dream with a tattoo on her ankle! I of course showed her my dream that I had written down and she thought that was really neat. Situation #2 (among many) When I was teaching at Gene Ward I had 8 dreams that I was preggers and yes you heard it here, 8 women got pregnant that year. I have dreamt of the space shuttle discovery blowing up days before it did, car accidents that actually happened, and so on. Believe me or not but I have proof.
So anyway, most of my dreams consist of pregnancies. I have learned through my dreams that when I dream I am preggers, someone near is pregnant. When I dream someone else is pregnant it is me. Here I go. I had a dream in 2005 ( my first baby dream) that I had a girl and the birth was quick and easy...enters Mayley in 2008 a girl that was a quick and easy birth. Months after that dream I dreamt I gave birth to a boy due on May 5th. Months before I got pregnant my 2nd time I dreamt that I had a lady had a growing belly and then all of sudden it deflated. Well that is what happened to me. My belly was growing and then i lost the baby and my tummy deflated. I had realized I should trust my dreams and that it wasn't meant to be. This baby is due on May 2nd..I can't help but say it will be a boy and will be due a little late on may 5th. My dreams are a gift and I trust them, they have never misled me or anyone I know.
Well in about 7-9 weeks we will find out what the sex of this baby is....Who thinks its a boy?
I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was to announce a new bundle of joy back in March. It was the first time we had officially tried or planned a baby have you. If you scroll down you can read my blog on that so I won't go through it all again but needless to say that baby ended up finding its way back up to the creator. I guess he/she just wasn't ready. I can't say I blame it in this day in age, its a scary world. We were heart broken that I went through week of wondering and worrying and anticipating before we got the news that it wasn't viable (A nice Dr. term you don't want to hear). And after a painful few more weeks I was ready to move on heal.
The healing process has been an interesting one. All around me my friends were announcing their pregnancies with due dates around where mine would have been. On top of that ghosts were coming back from my past willing to haunt me for some reason. It's like that whole getting kicked while your down kind of thing. But honestly I can't dwell too long on this whole woe is me business because I know that there are others who are suffering far worse than I. I say a prayer and face forward and move on with a smile.
It was only our second month after I was cleared to "do it" hahahahah that we successfully created a baby :) I learned in August, right after Mayley's 2nd birthday, that we were expecting baby 2! Boy did I want to tell everyone but for fear of my past experience I held it in tight. The only person who really knew besides Brad and my mom was Gosia. SHe of course was there when I peed on that lovely stick! LOL Now 11 weeks later I can finally say it. I AM PREGNANT! WE ARE DUE MAY 2nd! Yay! Oh did I have tears of joy when I saw a little baby bouncing inside thriving. What a relief and I feel so blessed.
Now here is the fun, magical, strange whatever you want to call it part of the story. So many of you know and more of you have no clue that I have dreams that come true. So much so that I have been keeping a boat load of dream journals since about 2005. Oh yes and I can prove it. Situation #1 I had a dream that a friend of mine got a tattoo and it was a girl who was not the type to do it. We had never even spoken about it. Then all of a sudden she showed up on my door a few days after my dream with a tattoo on her ankle! I of course showed her my dream that I had written down and she thought that was really neat. Situation #2 (among many) When I was teaching at Gene Ward I had 8 dreams that I was preggers and yes you heard it here, 8 women got pregnant that year. I have dreamt of the space shuttle discovery blowing up days before it did, car accidents that actually happened, and so on. Believe me or not but I have proof.
So anyway, most of my dreams consist of pregnancies. I have learned through my dreams that when I dream I am preggers, someone near is pregnant. When I dream someone else is pregnant it is me. Here I go. I had a dream in 2005 ( my first baby dream) that I had a girl and the birth was quick and easy...enters Mayley in 2008 a girl that was a quick and easy birth. Months after that dream I dreamt I gave birth to a boy due on May 5th. Months before I got pregnant my 2nd time I dreamt that I had a lady had a growing belly and then all of sudden it deflated. Well that is what happened to me. My belly was growing and then i lost the baby and my tummy deflated. I had realized I should trust my dreams and that it wasn't meant to be. This baby is due on May 2nd..I can't help but say it will be a boy and will be due a little late on may 5th. My dreams are a gift and I trust them, they have never misled me or anyone I know.
Well in about 7-9 weeks we will find out what the sex of this baby is....Who thinks its a boy?
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