While browsing through Amazon's newly released book selection for my Kindle, I came across a book called Heaven is For Real. Intrigued, I quickly downloaded it and began to read. Before I give you my thoughts on this quick and non-fictional read, I will pleasure you with a little of my background which is what sparked this blog in this first place.
I was not raised in a very religious family...believers yes, worshipers no. From a very young age I have had extreme anxiety over death and what comes after. Because I was not baptized I have had the freedom to learn and decide what I will choose yet I have struggled with committing to any religion based on the hypocrisies I have encountered, the judgmental people, and the inconsistencies among the varying religions. I appreciate that I was not forced into a religion as a child and that I get to make my own decision. There are periods in my life where I am completely content with not being baptized and not attending a regular service. I have always considered myself a spiritual person. I have been given a unique gift that lets me see dreams that mimic the future, be extra sensitive to souls around me, and experience positive aberrations. [On a side note, I was once told I was working with the devil by a devout Catholic because of these things that I experience.] Eliminating that choice was easily done right then and there. [On another side note, I have been told on numerous occasions by members of the LDS faith that I would never be accepted into Heaven because of these experiences and the fact that I had pre-marital sex etc. Funny how I am still with this person in a very healthy relationship, my one and only.] Made eliminating that choice an easy one. To get back on track, I am just trying to say that I do believe in something above us, I have faith, and believe that unique gifts i have been given are for a purpose and a positive one. I do feel like my prayers are answered and that I have a spirit guide guiding my way, but for some reason I still feel stuck. I am not 100% content that I am unsure about religion, baptism or what may come. And if you ask my husband what he thinks, minus the dreams, he will tell the same story I just did.
So back to my point, I read this true story and have to say that I was completely blown away by what this 4 year old had experienced in his 3 minutes of Heaven. His details were remarkable and things that a four year old would never understand or know were being discussed with precision. For most religious folk they would think, "What an uplifting read; totally assures me of my beliefs." However, for me I am perplexed. I am left feeling extremely vulnerable and naive about actually feeling like I want to march right down to my local church in my Sunday best and attend regularly. How can one book about what a four year old experienced sway me? I feel stupid almost. The Bible does not have this effect on me. To me it is a story that has been lost in translation and is not meant to be literal. It's years upon historical years have no effect on me either. Why? But this one little silly book does?
So here is my question for all of you of any faith, if you managed to stay awake through all that. Can you really make your mind up about something as important as religion after reading one account of someones experience? Is this story simply a ploy to attract vulnerable people like myself? Is there something wrong with just wanting to be an agnostic believer with faith who leads a good life with morale? Or will I forever be stuck?
***In no way shape or form do I have anything against the Catholic or LDS faith...These are just true accounts of my life thus far that have somewhat shaped my beliefs. I also know that not all members of these faiths feel the same way as the certain members I spoke above about. I have respect for all people and all religions and in fact love that people believe in something that only sparks positivity and good will.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Life in the Third Trimester
After a long night of no sleep, thanks to peeing 5 times and having constant RLS and numb hips, I finally awoke unrested to the crying of a 2.5 year old at 6 am. And so my day beings or maybe never ended from the previous day to its just continuous. Needless to say..Up and at em..slowly that it is. SO with out further delay here is how this day unfolds:
Dressed the kid
fed the kid and my belly and my fetuses belly
potty time for the kid
dishes, laundry
stop to catch my breath and pee for the 8th time this am
watch Curious George while making spaghetti noodles out of blue play dough
Poop time for the kid
snack
sneeze and pee..yes don't act surprised it happens
Clean up disaster after disaster of books, blocks, Tupperware, baking tools, and underwear int he toilet....that's a fact the kid put her undies in the toilet.
LUNCH
More potty time for the kid
wanted to shoot myself after watching Signing time with Alex and Leah and the tune is stuck in my head
NAP
Of course the kid sleeps and I lay on the couch having become in involved in Days of Our Lives, FB and editing photos. There went nap
Finally got dressed
More laundry
and am currently looking for where in the world is Mayley's bathing suit for swim class tonight?
Oh and I managed to make a gourmet dinner of fish sticks and mac and cheese...Don't judge me! I ate my greens and red today! They were jelly beans but who cares? LOL
My ribs ache and my back hurts, my underwear are getting to small, and I have acid reflux, I can't poop and I am totally sleep deprived!
AND ITS MONDAY! All I can say is 8 more weeks...That's all
Dressed the kid
fed the kid and my belly and my fetuses belly
potty time for the kid
dishes, laundry
stop to catch my breath and pee for the 8th time this am
watch Curious George while making spaghetti noodles out of blue play dough
Poop time for the kid
snack
sneeze and pee..yes don't act surprised it happens
Clean up disaster after disaster of books, blocks, Tupperware, baking tools, and underwear int he toilet....that's a fact the kid put her undies in the toilet.
LUNCH
More potty time for the kid
wanted to shoot myself after watching Signing time with Alex and Leah and the tune is stuck in my head
NAP
Of course the kid sleeps and I lay on the couch having become in involved in Days of Our Lives, FB and editing photos. There went nap
Finally got dressed
More laundry
and am currently looking for where in the world is Mayley's bathing suit for swim class tonight?
Oh and I managed to make a gourmet dinner of fish sticks and mac and cheese...Don't judge me! I ate my greens and red today! They were jelly beans but who cares? LOL
My ribs ache and my back hurts, my underwear are getting to small, and I have acid reflux, I can't poop and I am totally sleep deprived!
AND ITS MONDAY! All I can say is 8 more weeks...That's all
Monday, February 21, 2011
Everlasting Effects
Have you ever wondered what kind of effect you may have had on someone? Like that time in high school when you stood next to your friend and didn't say a word while they made fun of someone. Or that time when you saw someone crying and maybe you stopped to ask if they were ok...or maybe you didn't. High School can be a place of fun, friends, and great memories for many. For others it can be a nightmare, a place with dark shadows, a lonely building full of demons.
You may never know the effect you have had on an individuals life. Maybe you were the reason they cried every day in their room when they got home or possibly you were the reason they made it through the day. I personally never thought about how my actions may have affected someones day or even life until I found face book. In the past five years I have had two people contact me and thank me for treating them with kindness and making them feel like they were someone when nobody else did. I can't begin to tell you the pain I feel when I think of how these people may have suffered or what exactly they went though but I am so thankful that my parents always encouraged me to be the social butterfly I was and still am. I never thought I was doing anyone a favor by pretending to be nice or anything like that. I was always just that way with everyone. I was never part of a click even though I was part of many teams. I was never friends with the same people all through school, I kept old ones and made new ones as I grew up. I wasn't embarrassed to talk in public with kid who was "not cool" or take them with me every day to lunch...Sure I could have had the captain for the football team in my car but I choose the captain of the chess team. I choose to be around people with good sense, good energy, and who treated me with me kindness. I could have cared less if it made people stare or gossip...so?
Anyway, I just feel very humbled inside that because I choose to be me, I had a positive effect on some people who needed it. It means a lot to me that after 10 years they were brave enough to tell me this.
And while I am humbled to know that I played a part in making some people have good memories or an easier time in school, it makes me wonder if I could have made someones day or time at school a nightmare.
Actions have ever lasting effects. I think Newton said it best...
You may never know the effect you have had on an individuals life. Maybe you were the reason they cried every day in their room when they got home or possibly you were the reason they made it through the day. I personally never thought about how my actions may have affected someones day or even life until I found face book. In the past five years I have had two people contact me and thank me for treating them with kindness and making them feel like they were someone when nobody else did. I can't begin to tell you the pain I feel when I think of how these people may have suffered or what exactly they went though but I am so thankful that my parents always encouraged me to be the social butterfly I was and still am. I never thought I was doing anyone a favor by pretending to be nice or anything like that. I was always just that way with everyone. I was never part of a click even though I was part of many teams. I was never friends with the same people all through school, I kept old ones and made new ones as I grew up. I wasn't embarrassed to talk in public with kid who was "not cool" or take them with me every day to lunch...Sure I could have had the captain for the football team in my car but I choose the captain of the chess team. I choose to be around people with good sense, good energy, and who treated me with me kindness. I could have cared less if it made people stare or gossip...so?
Anyway, I just feel very humbled inside that because I choose to be me, I had a positive effect on some people who needed it. It means a lot to me that after 10 years they were brave enough to tell me this.
And while I am humbled to know that I played a part in making some people have good memories or an easier time in school, it makes me wonder if I could have made someones day or time at school a nightmare.
Actions have ever lasting effects. I think Newton said it best...
Monday, February 7, 2011
Stay at Home Mom = Projects
You know what having another girl means??? (Besides all of us being on the same cycle...) Getting to reuse all of Mayley's furniture, bedding, and clothing! Wahoo! And while I am excited that we are saving now, I know that two girl means shelling out more cash in the future. Oh yes its true, girls = formal dresses, accessories, cool clothes, make up, WEDDINGS ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Good luck darling husband...oh yes and shot gun ;)
Anyway, We finally got the new babies nursery put together which meant we had to get rid of our office. We also finished Mayley's new "big girl" room. So here are some pics of her cute new room...I will post nursery pics when it is completely finished.
Aside bed rooming, I have been making bows as well just for fun :) I'm a regular Martha around here lately. Okay maybe not as good as her but at least I'm cooler! LOL
Anyway, We finally got the new babies nursery put together which meant we had to get rid of our office. We also finished Mayley's new "big girl" room. So here are some pics of her cute new room...I will post nursery pics when it is completely finished.
Aside bed rooming, I have been making bows as well just for fun :) I'm a regular Martha around here lately. Okay maybe not as good as her but at least I'm cooler! LOL
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I Told You I would Pass!!
Just got back from the Ultra Sound appointment and all was well! My AF was a little low but that was because of the medicine. They switched me to a lower dose and basically told me to take it easy and I was off of bed rest! Wahoo!!!! Baby is measuring 1.9 lbs. and almost 13in. I feel so grateful to all those who sent us positive energy and prayers. Here is a little peak at our beautiful baby! She's mighty flexible..that's her leg not her arm! LOL
The Game of Life
I honestly feel like when life is going smoothly and things seem to be in place and its almost that "to good to be true" feeling, that an ominous cloud begins to lurk. What I mean is, when things are going well life has a funny way of throwing you a curve ball to offset the balance in your universe and stir things up. Life is a test people say. I agree-I believe. Those who can handle these tests become stronger, more confident, and basically are winning a this game of life.
My last test involved a miscarriage. I grieved, I grew strength, I conquered. I was awarded with another blessing that is currently growing inside me.
I figured I had some time before the next test was given to me. But the game of life is unpredictable and a test can be given at any time. So here is my test:
~I have been handed the card of battling pre-term labor starting at 24 weeks. Trough this battle I must fight bed rest, keeping myself healthy for the baby, feelings of guilt for neglecting my daughter who cries at my door for attention (probably one of my biggest fights) It breaks my heart, fighting feelings of guilt over my husband playing multiple roles and having to rely on those around me, I must fight the temptation of depression and the urge to give up.
Quite the test I would say but I feel prepared. For every test that I have been given in my life so far, I feel as though I have beat them all. All these previous tests that have pushed me to my limits emotionally and physically and I have defeated them. I will beat this test too. I can fight this for the next three months for the sake of my baby, myself, and my family who need me as much as I need them.
So for those who read this, I hope you find it within yourself to feel empowered with strength and determination when life throws you a test. Just know its for a reason, one that will help define you. Don't give up...even if you feel like you have lost, there will always be a reason to win.
My last test involved a miscarriage. I grieved, I grew strength, I conquered. I was awarded with another blessing that is currently growing inside me.
I figured I had some time before the next test was given to me. But the game of life is unpredictable and a test can be given at any time. So here is my test:
~I have been handed the card of battling pre-term labor starting at 24 weeks. Trough this battle I must fight bed rest, keeping myself healthy for the baby, feelings of guilt for neglecting my daughter who cries at my door for attention (probably one of my biggest fights) It breaks my heart, fighting feelings of guilt over my husband playing multiple roles and having to rely on those around me, I must fight the temptation of depression and the urge to give up.
Quite the test I would say but I feel prepared. For every test that I have been given in my life so far, I feel as though I have beat them all. All these previous tests that have pushed me to my limits emotionally and physically and I have defeated them. I will beat this test too. I can fight this for the next three months for the sake of my baby, myself, and my family who need me as much as I need them.
So for those who read this, I hope you find it within yourself to feel empowered with strength and determination when life throws you a test. Just know its for a reason, one that will help define you. Don't give up...even if you feel like you have lost, there will always be a reason to win.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
To Me, From Me With Love
Dear Ashley,
Well you did it! You've finally reached your ultimate goal of attaining your Master degree. I have to tell you I have never been more proud of you than I am at this very moment. But I feel like I need to get something off my shoulders, something you deserve to know.
You have always had big dreams and have always done your best to achieve them. People are always telling you that you are quite the dreamer. I love that about you. You are a such a free spirit; from the day you were born you have been that way. You have always been so caring and you are always putting people ahead of yourself and sometimes its to a fault but you choose to do it anyway. I love that you are a great friend and are always there to listen and give advice. And while I sit here and tell you about all these great things that make you, you are probably the most hard on yourself. It is really time girl that you held your head high and acknowledge the wonderful things you have accomplished and the beautiful person you have become. I want this to be the last time I see you cry, or tell yourself its just not good enough. I never want to see you insult the way you look or wish you were better. I know this is hard to swallow and maybe its hitting you all at one time but I just feel it is time you smile and mean it.
About six years ago you experienced a personal tragedy, one that not too many know about. But ever since that day you were different. That vibrant, free spirited confident girl was hidden in the shadows, crying in a dark corner. I almost felt like the life was sucked right out of you. Your whole outlook changed. You quit cross country your senior year of college. Running was your life. You graduated with a bachelors degree in five years, nailed your first interview and became a great first grade teacher. But that just wasn't good enough to you. You worked two years while getting your masters and then gave life to your beautiful daughter Mayley. Then you experienced those dreaded baby blues. I watched you try to give Brad every reason in the world to see that you were not wonderful but he just never fell for it. You should know he loves you more than anything. You ran 2 marathons, developed amazing friendships, had a beautiful family, started your photography business and in 3 years graduated once more with your masters....but you still felt it was just not good enough.
So its time you listen and listen to me! You have knocked yourself down for six years for something that was not your fault. It is time you put the past behind you. Life goes by way too fast and you need to spend a lot more time loving yourself and loving your life. You have been dealt an amazing hand, take advantage. Ashley I am so very proud of you for everything you have set your mind to and accomplished in your 27 years. You have worked very hard and deserve to feel proud of yourself. From this point on you will suffer no more. The ghosts from your past will not harm you, you will stand in the mirror and see a beautiful woman, a loving daughter, caring sister, trustworthy friend, a fabulous mother, and loving wife, but most importantly you will see you. The you that you have been hiding and protecting. Its okay to let her back out and live her life to the fullest. Your mother once gave you a card on your 21st birthday that said dance like no one is watching...Time to dance!
Ashley, I really do love you and you should feel proud of yourself. I don't care how confident you feel in yourself and how much you want to flaunt it, nobody can take that away from you, its not a crime. You are not a stomping mat, you are a fashion show runway. Congratulations, you're back!
Love,
Yourself
P.S. Thank you, I really needed to hear that from you. I feel a huge weight lifted off of me. The clouds are gone and the tears I shed right now are ones of relief.
Well you did it! You've finally reached your ultimate goal of attaining your Master degree. I have to tell you I have never been more proud of you than I am at this very moment. But I feel like I need to get something off my shoulders, something you deserve to know.
You have always had big dreams and have always done your best to achieve them. People are always telling you that you are quite the dreamer. I love that about you. You are a such a free spirit; from the day you were born you have been that way. You have always been so caring and you are always putting people ahead of yourself and sometimes its to a fault but you choose to do it anyway. I love that you are a great friend and are always there to listen and give advice. And while I sit here and tell you about all these great things that make you, you are probably the most hard on yourself. It is really time girl that you held your head high and acknowledge the wonderful things you have accomplished and the beautiful person you have become. I want this to be the last time I see you cry, or tell yourself its just not good enough. I never want to see you insult the way you look or wish you were better. I know this is hard to swallow and maybe its hitting you all at one time but I just feel it is time you smile and mean it.
About six years ago you experienced a personal tragedy, one that not too many know about. But ever since that day you were different. That vibrant, free spirited confident girl was hidden in the shadows, crying in a dark corner. I almost felt like the life was sucked right out of you. Your whole outlook changed. You quit cross country your senior year of college. Running was your life. You graduated with a bachelors degree in five years, nailed your first interview and became a great first grade teacher. But that just wasn't good enough to you. You worked two years while getting your masters and then gave life to your beautiful daughter Mayley. Then you experienced those dreaded baby blues. I watched you try to give Brad every reason in the world to see that you were not wonderful but he just never fell for it. You should know he loves you more than anything. You ran 2 marathons, developed amazing friendships, had a beautiful family, started your photography business and in 3 years graduated once more with your masters....but you still felt it was just not good enough.
So its time you listen and listen to me! You have knocked yourself down for six years for something that was not your fault. It is time you put the past behind you. Life goes by way too fast and you need to spend a lot more time loving yourself and loving your life. You have been dealt an amazing hand, take advantage. Ashley I am so very proud of you for everything you have set your mind to and accomplished in your 27 years. You have worked very hard and deserve to feel proud of yourself. From this point on you will suffer no more. The ghosts from your past will not harm you, you will stand in the mirror and see a beautiful woman, a loving daughter, caring sister, trustworthy friend, a fabulous mother, and loving wife, but most importantly you will see you. The you that you have been hiding and protecting. Its okay to let her back out and live her life to the fullest. Your mother once gave you a card on your 21st birthday that said dance like no one is watching...Time to dance!
Ashley, I really do love you and you should feel proud of yourself. I don't care how confident you feel in yourself and how much you want to flaunt it, nobody can take that away from you, its not a crime. You are not a stomping mat, you are a fashion show runway. Congratulations, you're back!
Love,
Yourself
P.S. Thank you, I really needed to hear that from you. I feel a huge weight lifted off of me. The clouds are gone and the tears I shed right now are ones of relief.
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