To Me, From Me With Love

Dear Ashley,

Well you did it! You've finally reached your ultimate goal of attaining your Master degree. I have to tell you I have never been more proud of you than I am at this very moment. But I feel like I need to get something off my shoulders, something you deserve to know.

You have always had big dreams and have always done your best to achieve them. People are always telling you that you are quite the dreamer. I love that about you. You are a such a free spirit; from the day you were born you have been that way. You have always been so caring and you are always putting people ahead of yourself and sometimes its to a fault but you choose to do it anyway. I love that you are a great friend and are always there to listen and give advice. And while I sit here and tell you about all these great things that make you, you are probably the most hard on yourself. It is really time girl that you held your head high and acknowledge the wonderful things you have accomplished and the beautiful person you have become. I want this to be the last time I see you cry, or tell yourself its just not good enough. I never want to see you insult the way you look or wish you were better. I know this is hard to swallow and maybe its hitting you all at one time but I just feel it is time you smile and mean it.

About six years ago you experienced a personal tragedy, one that not too many know about. But ever since that day you were different. That vibrant, free spirited confident girl was hidden in the shadows, crying in a dark corner. I almost felt like the life was sucked right out of you. Your whole outlook changed. You quit cross country your senior year of college. Running was your life. You graduated with a bachelors degree in five years, nailed your first interview and became a great first grade teacher. But that just wasn't good enough to you. You worked two years while getting your masters and then gave life to your beautiful daughter Mayley. Then you experienced those dreaded baby blues. I watched you try to give Brad every reason in the world to see that you were not wonderful but he just never fell for it. You should know he loves you more than anything. You ran 2 marathons, developed amazing friendships, had a beautiful family, started your photography business and in 3 years graduated once more with your masters....but you still felt it was just not good enough.

So its time you listen and listen to me! You have knocked yourself down for six years for something that was not your fault. It is time you put the past behind you. Life goes by way too fast and you need to spend a lot more time loving yourself and loving your life. You have been dealt an amazing hand, take advantage. Ashley I am so very proud of you for everything you have set your mind to and accomplished in your 27 years. You have worked very hard and deserve to feel proud of yourself. From this point on you will suffer no more. The ghosts from your past will not harm you, you will stand in the mirror and see a beautiful woman, a loving daughter, caring sister, trustworthy friend, a fabulous mother, and loving wife, but most importantly you will see you. The you that you have been hiding and protecting. Its okay to let her back out and live her life to the fullest. Your mother once gave you a card on your 21st birthday that said dance like no one is watching...Time to dance!

Ashley, I really do love you and you should feel proud of yourself. I don't care how confident you feel in yourself and how much you want to flaunt it, nobody can take that away from you, its not a crime. You are not a stomping mat, you are a fashion show runway. Congratulations, you're back!

Love,
 Yourself

P.S. Thank you, I really needed to hear that from you. I feel a huge weight lifted off of me. The clouds are gone and the tears I shed right now are ones of relief.

I Needed that Shower

Sticky with glue, marker smeared fingertips, bits of ribbon and chaos stuck to my clothes. I stood back and smiled. Two months of planning, 3 hours of staging, and 30 minutes left until the guests arrive. I did it! I successfully planned and organized one of my best friends baby shower. It wasn't just any shower, it was epic. There were 50 guests both girls and boys and babies plus family, friends and distant relatives that hadn't been seen in a long time. As tired as I was and hungry, being that I am 12 weeks along, I couldn't help but stand back through the crowd of people that was blurring by me like a ghost in a crowded city, and smile. It was so wonderful to be a huge part of my friends happiness. I have never seen her so happy and overjoyed...well not since right before she got knocked up and we were dancing at a crowded club....LOL Sorry Juiselle but its true :) As 10 PM rolled around and the party simmered down, the gifts were opened, the food eaten and the alcohol running low, I slumped down on the couch and took a huge deep breath, its over! I could not be more happy and honored to have been this beautiful girl's maternity photographer, baby shower thrower, and soon to be newborn photographer. Thanks for the honor, I feel so important :) and special..LOL No I really do though. Anyway, through all this pregnancy, emotional storytelling I am truly happy for this girl and her soon to be baby girl or boy???? I did get a shower by the way.

Tears of Joy

I hate to start this off by reliving something painful but it tends to make the story better. As I writer you usually keep that tid bit if info hidden but when I blog I sometimes write exactly what I am thinking.

I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was to announce a new bundle of joy back in March. It was the first time we had officially tried or planned a baby have you. If you scroll down you can read my blog on that so I won't go through it all again but needless to say that baby ended up finding its way back up to the creator. I guess he/she just wasn't ready. I can't say I blame it in this day in age, its a scary world. We were heart broken that I went through  week of wondering and worrying and anticipating before we got the news that it wasn't viable (A nice Dr. term you don't want to hear). And after a painful few more weeks I was ready to move on heal.

The healing process has been an interesting one. All around me my friends were announcing their pregnancies with due dates around where mine would have been. On top of that ghosts were coming back from my past willing to haunt me for some reason. It's like that whole getting kicked while your down kind of thing. But honestly I can't dwell too long on this whole woe is me business because I know that there are others who are suffering far worse than I. I say a prayer and face forward and move on with a smile.

It was only our second month after I was cleared to "do it" hahahahah that we successfully created a baby :) I learned in August, right after Mayley's 2nd birthday, that we were expecting baby 2! Boy did I want to tell everyone but for fear of my past experience I held it in tight.  The only person who really knew besides Brad and my mom was Gosia. SHe of course was there when I peed on that lovely stick! LOL Now 11 weeks later I can finally say it. I AM PREGNANT! WE ARE DUE MAY 2nd! Yay! Oh did I have tears of joy when I saw a little baby bouncing inside thriving. What a relief and I feel so blessed.

Now here is the fun, magical, strange whatever you want to call it part of the story. So many of you know and more of you have no clue that I have dreams that come true. So much so that I have been keeping a boat load of dream journals since about 2005. Oh yes and I can prove it. Situation #1 I had a dream that a friend of mine got a tattoo and it was a girl who was not the type to do it. We had never even spoken about it. Then all of a sudden she showed up on my door a few days after my dream with a tattoo on her ankle! I of course showed her my dream that I had written down and she thought that was really neat. Situation #2 (among many) When I was teaching at Gene Ward I had 8 dreams that I was preggers and yes you heard it here, 8 women got pregnant that year. I have dreamt of the space shuttle discovery blowing up days before it did, car accidents that actually happened, and so on. Believe me or not but I have proof.

So anyway, most of my dreams consist of pregnancies. I have learned through my dreams that when I dream I am preggers, someone near is pregnant. When I dream someone else is pregnant it is me. Here I go. I had a dream in 2005 ( my first baby dream) that I had a girl and the birth was quick and easy...enters Mayley in 2008 a girl that was a quick and easy birth. Months after that dream I dreamt I gave birth to a boy due on May 5th. Months before I got pregnant my 2nd time I dreamt that I had a lady had a growing belly and then all of sudden it deflated. Well that is what happened to me. My belly was growing and then i lost the baby and my tummy deflated. I had realized I should trust my dreams and that it wasn't meant to be. This baby is due on May 2nd..I can't help but say it will be a boy and will be due a little late on may 5th. My dreams are a gift and I trust them, they have never misled me or anyone I know.

Well in about 7-9 weeks we will find out what the sex of this baby is....Who thinks its a boy?

Bellies

I love a girl who loves their pregnant body. This shoot was so much fun and what a trooper she was. We shot the outside ones at 8 in the morning hoping to beat the heat but I was sadly mistaken! LOL We were sweating buckets. The part that is funny was that I was complaining more than she and I am not the pregnant one! I'm just glad we got to finish up inside her nicely air conditioned house. Shooting on location is my favorite. I love being able to make my clients comfortable and yet feel like they are right inside a studio. Turn on some music, dance a little, laugh, have fun, and work it for the camera! I had a blast adding traditional elements to some glamourous ones. This girl is full of color so I felt it only necessary to make her photos fit her personality with lots of color and fun. I hope you enjoy a few!

What is fulfillment to you?

Do you ever feel like maybe you are living the wrong life? You see someone else's and envy it...That was supposed to be you. Maybe that feeling comes from a past life. It's like you have an urge to be something or someone or do something that you know won't happen. But for some reason you were chosen to walk the path that you are on right now which has lead you into this life that you are living. Although there are things I wish I could have done, I look at what I have right in front of me and I wouldn't give it up for the world. I am so fulfilled in love, family, education, laughter, friends, and opportunities. I am so glad that I am me and this is my life and when I really look hard into the lives I foolishly sometimes envy, what I really see is emptiness and I suddenly feel very full or blessed. Fulfillment is not about money, status, fame, parties, material or the perfect body. It's what I've had, what I have and what I will have...It's the path that I am following. My yellow brick.

My life would not be worth living without these two. I love them so much :) Im thankful for my the path i have chosen because it led me to them.

Speak

I have never colored inside the lines
I never have and I never will

And although you think I'm colorful
I've struggled to maintain vibrance

But it's there...somewhere

Lost in the picture
Behind the smudges
peaking through the eraser marks

It's there

You cannot make me disappear
As  much as you try to paint over me
I'm still there

Always have been
Always will be

Two artists
One trying to erase
And the other trying to delete

They say that artists are starving
But I'm full
I don't want anymore

I'm not a fan of your work
I never have been
And I never will be

See
There it is
It's always been there and always will be

(To the tune of head, shoulders, knees and toes) Headache, Pimple, Cramps, and Kids Cramps and Kids

I have a headache, a pimple, cramps, and two kids under the age of two running me into the ground. (babysitting) HELP! This coffee is not doing the trick, I used to see my mom drink it when i was little and  it seemed to make her feel better. Maybe she added something special to it. My attempt at being adult-like has not paid off. As for now I shall look like a Cathy comic. I wonder what Octomom looks like in the morning?

Anyway, as soon July 5th rolls around we are officially going on vacation! Wahoo! San Diego here we come! Speaking of road trips...Where in the world did that dreaded song I used to annoy my family with come from? "99 bottles of beer on the wall" what a great family road trip song! LOL Maybe 99 bottles of beer would nock me out enough to wake up Monday...Just kidding people!

Well have a fantastic week and a productive or lazy one which ever you suits your fancy. I shall return to rug rats, snotty noses, gumdrop looking characters with legs on T.V. and my coffee breathe all topped off with a pimple.

Wouldn't Have Had it Any Other Way

Six years! I know time flies right? I can still remember shaking and crying and taking a deep breathe followed by long walk down the aisle arm and arm with my mom and dad. There he was and how I love more and more each day. Okay, okay, I just heard someone vomit.

This day was more than just an anniversary for me. June 6th, 2010 was the day I got to share with Sean and Jeanine, their beautiful wedding. They chose me to be their photographer! Not only did I shoot the wedding, I photographed her bridal shower and rehearsal. Over those three days I got to become very close with both families and their friends. I was there for the memory sharing, the laughter, and the very personal moments. I couldn't help but fall in love with the story of how the two met and how they know everything about each other and all they wanted to do was get married. They didn't care about the flowers, the center pieces, the color scheme, or the wedding cake. All they cared about was each other; the two becoming one.   I watched as her sister cried happy tears, so proud of her big sis for taking this next step in her journey through life. I watched as her little cousin looked dreamy eyed at this beautiful bride in her white dress, imagining her wedding one day. I watched as the couple stood hand in hand awaiting their kiss as husband and wife and I watched as her dad let go of his little girl, stepping aside with tears in eyes. I watched this beautiful ritual unfold all threw my lens. I hear a lot that people don't like to take pictures during events like these because they fear they is to much. I have to say that I disagree. Threw my lens I get a close up view, a focused look at honesty. I am the one who gets to capture such personal and intimate moments that others seem to miss.

Although I was having a wonderful time capturing these candid moments, I couldn't wait to get home to spend the rest of the night with my husband....but I am not quite there yet so hold your horses.

What a fun reception! Music, dancing, eating, clanking glasses, and smiles everywhere. My time was almost finished and I had a few more moments to take pictures. Boy was I glad I stayed for this...no more like life works in mysterious ways. Do you ever think that everything happens for a reason or whatever just happened was meant to be? So true! So here I am shooting a wedding on my wedding anniversary when what to my wondering eyes should appear? A father giving a speech to his daughter, but it's what he said. He spoke of memory that involved Joe Cocker, You are so Beautiful, and this song being "their"song. No, I was not crying because the bride was an emotional wreck at this point, I was crying because that is the same song that my father sang to me since I was a little girl and we danced to at my wedding. But it doesn't end there. I spill more tears when the bride and groom have their dance to the same song that Brad and I shared as our first dance and all on my anniversary! I mean come on! I was meant to be the photographer for this occasion. I had 3 days to remind myself of how much i love my husband and how it is as pure as our wedding day and I found myself in tears remembering my wedding day because of some songs that have more meaning to me than words can describe.

If you are reading this Jeanine, I can't thank you enough for trusting me with your once in a lifetime day on my anniversary. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

To make a long story longer....I made it home in time to find a candle lit snack waiting for me. Icing on the cake. I managed to shower and put on my best all with a five minute nap to re-charge. We dined at the Eiffel tower with a front row view of the Bellagio fountains. I couldn't get over it. You don't understand, Brad and I usually are accident prone on our anniversary. Lost reservations, tables next to unruly children, bad service, yadda yadda you name it. Dinner was a success. After that we ended the night (well it ends here for you anyway) with La Reve. What a wonderful show! I am so lucky to have such an amazing husband and even more lucky that he such a great father. And as I sit here and discuss his amazingness....I think it was meant to be as I remember today is Father's Day. Just meant to be that's all.

Of course I wouldn't end without pictures!

Happily Ever After...The End

Lost and Found

Long time no see bloggers! I know tisk tisk, I have been MIA for a quite some time now. But I have so much to tell you. Last time I blogged I shared that I was exploring my passion for photography. I have decided to fully commit! LOST: It didn't come easy though. I have been struggling so much with my confidence. I can't tell you how many times I nock myself down with the questions I ask myself. Am I good? Do I have an eye? Will people like my pictures? Can I really make this work? FOUND: I finally had to slap myself around a little to make myself realize that it doesn't matter. I love doing it, I love my pictures, I work hard to learn new things, and I need to trust that when someone says they like my photos, they mean it. Anyway, I have been having a blast shooting babies, bellies, families, weddings, etc. You name it I will do it!

Aside from making others smile over their beautiful memories, I have been crying over some ones I was expecting. LOST: 10 weeks ago I learned that I was expecting baby number 2! I can't begin to tell you how happy we were. It was the perfect time, the perfect age difference between my first, and I just knew it would be a boy. I guess it was all too perfect. There's no such thing as perfect; I should have told , myself that. 8 weeks ago I had my first Dr. app. and we didn't see anything in the sack. The Dr. told me that I might not be as far along as I think. "Okay, see ya next week then to see our babies heart beat!" People already know, Mayley is wearing a big sis shirt and I am contemplating ways to announce it on facebook. What the heck was I thinking? Nothing is perfect remember?! 7 weeks ago I was sent to the ultra sound specialist where again they saw nothing and told me to come back in a week. "I'm sure this happens a lot, women thinking they are farther along than they are. Besides, there is a little yolk, next will be my big moment!" I keep having to explain to everyone what is happening. 6 weeks ago I went back to the specialist...nothing. I didn't hear a word the Dr. was saying after that. Blighted ovum something....1 out 6.....options....All I can do is cry and feel like I just lost a little miracle that was supposed to be in my arms 7 months from now. I was 8 weeks along growing an empty sac. That is exactly how I felt, empty. From there I had to walk to walk of pity out of office. Tears, sobbing, mascara running, in front of a room full of pregnant women. They all knew and I could see that were feeling very lucky to be bounty full with baby inside. FOUND: 2 weeks ago grieving subsided, nature took its course, and I am healing. My husband has been there right by my side assuring me that things will be fine. He is so strong and I am lucky to be able to feed off of that. He is right when he tells me to look at our beautiful healthy daughter and feel blessed that we were lucky enough to have had 1 miracle already. If we are meant to have another we will. My family is my world and without them I am lost...thank god I am found.