What is fulfillment to you?

Do you ever feel like maybe you are living the wrong life? You see someone else's and envy it...That was supposed to be you. Maybe that feeling comes from a past life. It's like you have an urge to be something or someone or do something that you know won't happen. But for some reason you were chosen to walk the path that you are on right now which has lead you into this life that you are living. Although there are things I wish I could have done, I look at what I have right in front of me and I wouldn't give it up for the world. I am so fulfilled in love, family, education, laughter, friends, and opportunities. I am so glad that I am me and this is my life and when I really look hard into the lives I foolishly sometimes envy, what I really see is emptiness and I suddenly feel very full or blessed. Fulfillment is not about money, status, fame, parties, material or the perfect body. It's what I've had, what I have and what I will have...It's the path that I am following. My yellow brick.

My life would not be worth living without these two. I love them so much :) Im thankful for my the path i have chosen because it led me to them.

Speak

I have never colored inside the lines
I never have and I never will

And although you think I'm colorful
I've struggled to maintain vibrance

But it's there...somewhere

Lost in the picture
Behind the smudges
peaking through the eraser marks

It's there

You cannot make me disappear
As  much as you try to paint over me
I'm still there

Always have been
Always will be

Two artists
One trying to erase
And the other trying to delete

They say that artists are starving
But I'm full
I don't want anymore

I'm not a fan of your work
I never have been
And I never will be

See
There it is
It's always been there and always will be

(To the tune of head, shoulders, knees and toes) Headache, Pimple, Cramps, and Kids Cramps and Kids

I have a headache, a pimple, cramps, and two kids under the age of two running me into the ground. (babysitting) HELP! This coffee is not doing the trick, I used to see my mom drink it when i was little and  it seemed to make her feel better. Maybe she added something special to it. My attempt at being adult-like has not paid off. As for now I shall look like a Cathy comic. I wonder what Octomom looks like in the morning?

Anyway, as soon July 5th rolls around we are officially going on vacation! Wahoo! San Diego here we come! Speaking of road trips...Where in the world did that dreaded song I used to annoy my family with come from? "99 bottles of beer on the wall" what a great family road trip song! LOL Maybe 99 bottles of beer would nock me out enough to wake up Monday...Just kidding people!

Well have a fantastic week and a productive or lazy one which ever you suits your fancy. I shall return to rug rats, snotty noses, gumdrop looking characters with legs on T.V. and my coffee breathe all topped off with a pimple.

Wouldn't Have Had it Any Other Way

Six years! I know time flies right? I can still remember shaking and crying and taking a deep breathe followed by long walk down the aisle arm and arm with my mom and dad. There he was and how I love more and more each day. Okay, okay, I just heard someone vomit.

This day was more than just an anniversary for me. June 6th, 2010 was the day I got to share with Sean and Jeanine, their beautiful wedding. They chose me to be their photographer! Not only did I shoot the wedding, I photographed her bridal shower and rehearsal. Over those three days I got to become very close with both families and their friends. I was there for the memory sharing, the laughter, and the very personal moments. I couldn't help but fall in love with the story of how the two met and how they know everything about each other and all they wanted to do was get married. They didn't care about the flowers, the center pieces, the color scheme, or the wedding cake. All they cared about was each other; the two becoming one.   I watched as her sister cried happy tears, so proud of her big sis for taking this next step in her journey through life. I watched as her little cousin looked dreamy eyed at this beautiful bride in her white dress, imagining her wedding one day. I watched as the couple stood hand in hand awaiting their kiss as husband and wife and I watched as her dad let go of his little girl, stepping aside with tears in eyes. I watched this beautiful ritual unfold all threw my lens. I hear a lot that people don't like to take pictures during events like these because they fear they is to much. I have to say that I disagree. Threw my lens I get a close up view, a focused look at honesty. I am the one who gets to capture such personal and intimate moments that others seem to miss.

Although I was having a wonderful time capturing these candid moments, I couldn't wait to get home to spend the rest of the night with my husband....but I am not quite there yet so hold your horses.

What a fun reception! Music, dancing, eating, clanking glasses, and smiles everywhere. My time was almost finished and I had a few more moments to take pictures. Boy was I glad I stayed for this...no more like life works in mysterious ways. Do you ever think that everything happens for a reason or whatever just happened was meant to be? So true! So here I am shooting a wedding on my wedding anniversary when what to my wondering eyes should appear? A father giving a speech to his daughter, but it's what he said. He spoke of memory that involved Joe Cocker, You are so Beautiful, and this song being "their"song. No, I was not crying because the bride was an emotional wreck at this point, I was crying because that is the same song that my father sang to me since I was a little girl and we danced to at my wedding. But it doesn't end there. I spill more tears when the bride and groom have their dance to the same song that Brad and I shared as our first dance and all on my anniversary! I mean come on! I was meant to be the photographer for this occasion. I had 3 days to remind myself of how much i love my husband and how it is as pure as our wedding day and I found myself in tears remembering my wedding day because of some songs that have more meaning to me than words can describe.

If you are reading this Jeanine, I can't thank you enough for trusting me with your once in a lifetime day on my anniversary. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

To make a long story longer....I made it home in time to find a candle lit snack waiting for me. Icing on the cake. I managed to shower and put on my best all with a five minute nap to re-charge. We dined at the Eiffel tower with a front row view of the Bellagio fountains. I couldn't get over it. You don't understand, Brad and I usually are accident prone on our anniversary. Lost reservations, tables next to unruly children, bad service, yadda yadda you name it. Dinner was a success. After that we ended the night (well it ends here for you anyway) with La Reve. What a wonderful show! I am so lucky to have such an amazing husband and even more lucky that he such a great father. And as I sit here and discuss his amazingness....I think it was meant to be as I remember today is Father's Day. Just meant to be that's all.

Of course I wouldn't end without pictures!

Happily Ever After...The End

Lost and Found

Long time no see bloggers! I know tisk tisk, I have been MIA for a quite some time now. But I have so much to tell you. Last time I blogged I shared that I was exploring my passion for photography. I have decided to fully commit! LOST: It didn't come easy though. I have been struggling so much with my confidence. I can't tell you how many times I nock myself down with the questions I ask myself. Am I good? Do I have an eye? Will people like my pictures? Can I really make this work? FOUND: I finally had to slap myself around a little to make myself realize that it doesn't matter. I love doing it, I love my pictures, I work hard to learn new things, and I need to trust that when someone says they like my photos, they mean it. Anyway, I have been having a blast shooting babies, bellies, families, weddings, etc. You name it I will do it!

Aside from making others smile over their beautiful memories, I have been crying over some ones I was expecting. LOST: 10 weeks ago I learned that I was expecting baby number 2! I can't begin to tell you how happy we were. It was the perfect time, the perfect age difference between my first, and I just knew it would be a boy. I guess it was all too perfect. There's no such thing as perfect; I should have told , myself that. 8 weeks ago I had my first Dr. app. and we didn't see anything in the sack. The Dr. told me that I might not be as far along as I think. "Okay, see ya next week then to see our babies heart beat!" People already know, Mayley is wearing a big sis shirt and I am contemplating ways to announce it on facebook. What the heck was I thinking? Nothing is perfect remember?! 7 weeks ago I was sent to the ultra sound specialist where again they saw nothing and told me to come back in a week. "I'm sure this happens a lot, women thinking they are farther along than they are. Besides, there is a little yolk, next will be my big moment!" I keep having to explain to everyone what is happening. 6 weeks ago I went back to the specialist...nothing. I didn't hear a word the Dr. was saying after that. Blighted ovum something....1 out 6.....options....All I can do is cry and feel like I just lost a little miracle that was supposed to be in my arms 7 months from now. I was 8 weeks along growing an empty sac. That is exactly how I felt, empty. From there I had to walk to walk of pity out of office. Tears, sobbing, mascara running, in front of a room full of pregnant women. They all knew and I could see that were feeling very lucky to be bounty full with baby inside. FOUND: 2 weeks ago grieving subsided, nature took its course, and I am healing. My husband has been there right by my side assuring me that things will be fine. He is so strong and I am lucky to be able to feed off of that. He is right when he tells me to look at our beautiful healthy daughter and feel blessed that we were lucky enough to have had 1 miracle already. If we are meant to have another we will. My family is my world and without them I am lost...thank god I am found.

Picturing My Dreams

I always knew that I loved the camera. Ever since I was little, I loved to take pictures, but as the subject not the photographer. My mom had an amazing camera and took amazing pictures with it... I guess you can say it runs int he family. If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would always answer, model. As a teenager I tried to force my path in life down that road but as fate would have it, it would steer me in another direction. I decided that sports was way more important and better for my self-esteem (seeing as how I never evolved into a 6ft. Brazilian beauty). Running lead me to Brad, Brad lead me to college, college lead me to teaching, and teaching lead me into motherhood...well Brad helped with that too. And so there I was at home with my little angel. Sure I was busy but not career busy. I found myself with time to dabble in some hobbies I had swept under the rug during my days of studying and lesson planning. As a graduation gift, my mom bought me my very first Canon 40D...in other words the mega beast of photography. I took it out of the box and started shooting. I quickly discovered that being behind the camera was what I really loved. Setting the scene and styling the shoot is where my creativity comes alive. I started out taking pictures of Mayley (she has a photo shoot for every month of her life! LOL) Then I moved on to some friends who allowed me to take photos of them. My dreams have always involved a camera and somehow my path in life has lead me yet again to photography (my mom being part of that path). The next step in my journey is coming up quickly now. I have stumbled upon the opportunity to do some real photo shoots from baby and children to maternity. I am so excited and a little nervous. Excited for the opportunity and to invest in a flash and some editing soft wear, nervous to trust my ability and have confidence in myself. Wish me luck in this part of my journey where my dreams involve pictures and my pictures involve dreams.

*Here are a few of my favorites

Always My Baby

I Let a huge sigh of air leave my body tonight as I was lying bed. Concerned, Brad nudged me as if to ask what was wrong. I couldn't help but create tears in response. My little girl, my baby, she turned 1. 12 months of memories came flooding through me so quickly that I could not even try to hold back my emotions. I had to let it out. I couldn't stop thinking about the day she was born. August 21, 2008 My little Mayley Drew was born at 7:50 AM after an excruciating but quick labor. She was a healthy 7lbs.14oz and 18.5 in. long. She was a miracle and was instantly the great love of our lives. For the first few months of her life I would stare at her and imagine what she would look like, what her personality would be like, if she would be walking all at the age of 1. I couldn't wait for that day to come. In a blink of the eye it is here...she is 1. She looks like Brad and acts like me, she is walking, and she is full of life. Although I miss her as an infant, I am enjoying all the new things she does everyday. She is always amazing us and making us laugh and smile. I continue to look forward to how she will be the next year and I know that when that year comes I will be a little sad when I reflect on the past. She might not be my infant anymore who stares at me when I hold her for a feeding but she will always be baby who hugs me and gives me kisses and one day will say, "I love you mom."

Thank you everyone for all the birthday wishes and for making Mayley's 1st b-day party a special one. Despite the rain, wind, and practically in California location, it is a day I will never forget and one I hope you all remember. She had her cake and she ate it too!